Can a Lifelong Love Affair with Music Die?

The short answer is no, of course not. But there are circumstances that can contribute to its light dimming a bit. I’m not alone in saying this, but 2024 was a hell of a year. Emphasis on hell. Music has been by my side through the hardest times in my life, serving as the perfect distraction from circumstances that have made my life feel painful. In 2024, it almost seemed to lose its luster.

My personal relationship with music began to really take shape when I was 11-12 years old. It all started with Michael Jackson. I was absolutely enamored by him. My experience going through his discography, watching his interviews, and learning about him through any means I had access to brought so much joy to my life. I was a lonely, sensitive middle-schooler who found solace in getting lost in her music.

Michael and his music became my safe space. I was totally okay with being known as that girl who was obsessed with Michael Jackson. For those of y’all who experience that arc where you discover Michael Jackson beyond those songs that are absolutely woven into pop culture (you know the ones: “Billie Jean,” “Beat It,” “Thriller,” “Bad,” etc.)—it changes you. You take on this responsibility to defend him, you listen to his music and get completely lost. He still has that effect on me after all these years.

I don’t think there was a time I didn’t have my earbuds in during that time. I’d sleep with them in, feeling like I couldn’t part ways with my music, even in my dreams.

As I made my way through middle school, into high school, I continued to find safety in my music. It was like a friend to me. I studied a host of other artists whose music comforted me and that I was able to learn from and be inspired by.

While reviewing my music listening data for 2024, I couldn’t help but notice the drastic difference in the number of minutes I listened to in 2023 vs 2024. 94,008 minutes in 2023 vs. 53,775 minutes in 2024. So what happened? What is it about recent times that have caused this shift? Let’s talk about it.

2024 was a year of striving. To be honest, what I want is an entirely different set of circumstances. A career that I’m proud of, community, unconditional, reciprocal love—both romantic and platonic. The volume of my unhappiness seemed to be turned up far too loud; so loud that it hurt my ears. Because my mood was often low, I found it difficult to be in the “right” headspace to enjoy my music to the fullest extent. To me, music is sacred, so why would I want to tarnish it with my discontent? It’s a heartbreaking thing to think about. It’s like distancing yourself from people who love you because you’re worried that they won’t understand your pain. Or that maybe this version of you doesn’t deserve them.

Feeling like I don’t deserve music when I’m unhappy is a real struggle. The version of myself that maybe isn’t as passionate, as on fire for music and life itself. This was the first time in my life where I didn’t feel like I could enjoy my music to its fullest, to use it as the remedy it’s always been for me. It’s like I didn’t have the energy. It’s been scary. I’m using past tense, but this is still something I’m currently experiencing. Mental health is a factor, but it’s not the only factor. My skill to fully immerse myself in my music has taken a hit. It’s almost as if it’s not stimulating enough, not mind-numbing enough.  

To be transparent, it’s that damn phone. But seriously, TikTok (pre-ban) and Instagram Reels are addictive. Even YouTube Shorts has me in a chokehold! We’ve all heard about the intentionality behind this. Short-form content has fried my attention span, and it’s designed that way. It makes me feel somewhat ashamed to admit that, but this is a safe space. Listening to an album—even one I love—can feel like a chore if I’m not multitasking. For example: if I’m driving, styling my hair or taking a shower: I’m listening to music because I’m occupied with something else. So, the music is a companion for the otherwise mundane activity. If I’m just sitting in my room? I’m more likely to just scroll.

Social media gives you the opportunity to live vicariously through people. For me, it’s not about envy, but connection and escape. Scrolling has replaced music as my primary form of entertainment. I still love my music. When I give myself the opportunity to fully be fully present with it, I’m right back where I used to be—excited, ready to run to my Instagram Story and carefully select a 15-second snippet to share with my mutuals. This tells me that no, my passion for music hasn’t died. It’s just waiting to be reignited. So, the new question is…how do I get there?

I already have one of the culprits out of the way. I foolishly (or brilliantly—I’m still trying to figure it out) deleted TikTok after it came back from its 12-hour 'ban,' and now I can’t reinstall the app. Even though that’s a positive step, this is less about disconnecting from everything else and more about finding my way back to music.

For me, this looks like:

Reacquainting myself with listening to music as a way to keep me company

When I’m bored or lonely, two feelings that often lead me to scroll, revisit an album I haven’t heard in a while and maybe take the opportunity to write a short reflection about it as I listen—this’ll deter me from running to social media to talk about which will help me avoid scrolling. Bonus: I can use my reflection for content!

Starting my day with music

Wake up, get up, put on some music. This will get me going and likely give me motivation to get my day started. If the first thing I immerse myself in is music, I’m less likely to use social media as a facilitator in my procrastination later in the day.

Choose to play my CDs instead of streaming

This is actually a HUGE one for me. If I have my music playing on my phone, I am much more likely to be on social media. Streaming is great on the go, but at home, my CDs deserve some love. I have a portable CD player, a CD player with speakers, and plenty of CDS. So…I have no excuse. But seriously, there is something so romantic about listening to music in its physical form. I think opting for my CDs sometimes will help me fall into love with music all over again.

These are just a few simple ideas. Nothing monumental or crazy, but isn’t that usually how it is when it comes to these things? Just a few little adjustments and you’re golden.

Let’s wrap this up!

Just to reiterate, the answer to the question Can A Lifelong Love Affair with Music Die? The answer is no. When I began working on this reflection, I didn’t know if I’d still believe that by the end of it. I didn’t know if I had any answers to it. The thing about music is that it’s always there. It has been this whole time. It’s just been waiting for me so patiently, like a loyal companion. I’m ready to get to know it all over again and to invite it back into my life.

This might be my most transparent blog post so far. I shared about my mental health struggles and how it has affected my passion for music. It has always been a goal of mine to talk about things like this; the things that make me ask myself: “Are you sure you wanna share that?” It’s always been so much easier to focus on my favorite artists, but every once in a while, I think it’s important to be vulnerable. My ultimate goal in anything I share is for you to walk away from it feeling like you have a better understanding of who I am and that something I said resonate with you.

Earlier I spoke about my desire for community. Anything I’ve ever share is rooted in that desire. To share a piece of my heart and hope that you’ll feel compelled to share a piece of yours.

Thank you for spending time with me. Until next time!

love,

cheyenne