What Does True Authenticity Look Like?

The past couple of years have been so incredibly confusing as a digital creator. I’ve been trying to get my bearings as to how I want to show up and present myself. What kind of content do I want to share? Music commentary? Well, that is my bread and butter, it’s what I feel confident in sharing. There’s just enough of me in it for it to feel like self-expression without the risk of vulnerability hangover. It’s safe and comfortable…fair enough.

Unfortunately, that’s precisely the problem. The discomfort and confusion I’ve been experiencing derives from the fact I am comfortable. I’m outgrowing everything I’ve ever known when it comes to how I show up on social media.

I’ve been sharing on social media since I was 11 or 12, and I’ll be 26 (omg?) next month. I’ve had several fan pages dedicated to artists: Michael Jackson, Babyface, New Edition and Jodeci. I always outgrew these pages because once I go through an artists’ discography, I’m pretty much ready for the next, and my attention shifts elsewhere.

When I created Bops ‘n Blackness in 2019, it was to be a destination to celebrate Black artists—all of my favorites. It worked for a while, it was a safe space for me. Then, as I began to listen to more white artists, starting with George Michael, the mission statement changed. It was then intended to celebrate all of my favorite artists, regardless of their race.

This was when I began to feel that “maybe I should start fresh…” pull. But what about all these posts I poured my heart into? It became a tug-of-war between, “Hey, maybe you should create a new brand without any implications in the name…” and “…But what about all my followers? Surely they won’t follow me on my new page…”

It felt like betrayal whenever I’d post one of my favorite artists who happened to be white, especially the rock artists. I was the R&B girl, this doesn’t match up to the brand I created…where is the BLACK in Bops ‘n Blackness? My engagement on that page was never very strong to begin with, but it felt even less supportive as my taste in music began to expand.

So, after much consideration, I started a new page, Certified Music Girly, in September 2024. I started creating Reels that I’d speak in, I was the center of it, which was new for me outside of YouTube (which I kinda abandoned). This whole idea stemmed from me trying to pursue content creation seriously.

After all the jobs I had applied for and never heard back from, this was me taking the reigns and deciding that if I was going to make creating my full-time job, it would have to be on my own volition. I was choosing this. I was going to post every week, and grind. Knowing full-well that that just is not how I operate…but we’ll get to that in a second.

I started off strong, bless my heart. This was a new chapter. Everything was so pretty and pink and I was showing up as a version of myself…but it got old quick. It felt like I was acting. I’d hit record and turn into someone else. I’d get flustered while talking, I’d sit in front of my phone riddled with anxiety before hitting record, praying to God no one in the house would hear me talking to my phone. I just couldn’t be myself.

It was fun for the first couple of months. I believed I was doing something special, but I got to the point where the lack of engagement and reach was starting to hurt my motivation. I slowly reverted back to carousel posts, hiding behind my comfort.

During this time, I was also listening to a lot less music. It felt like my passion was dying. This was a really scary time. So…I kinda disappeared for a moment. Between the election results and all the bullshit that followed, I detached from my page. My silly little videos about music didn’t feel appropriate anymore…’cause ain’t shit funny right now. I posted on my story from time to time, sharing songs and other insights. It was all good. It felt like the break I needed.

In December, I posted a clip from a George Michael interview to commemorate the anniversary of his passing. This post absolutely blew up. The reach and engagement were unlike anything I had ever experienced. It felt like the ultimate blessing. Like, “hey…maybe I can do this…”

I gained over 300 followers, how exciting! This is what I’d been wanting. The post gave me such a boost. I had a new attitude towards my page, “I’d better become consistent again because all of these people just followed me. they’re here to see what else I have to offer.”

So I posted a 3-part recap of my 2024 Apple Replay results on December 31, 2024.

*crickets*

Hear me out, I was grateful for my new followers, but where were they? The problem was this…I was not in the George Michael video. So all of those followers weren’t following for me. I wrote a beautiful caption, yes, but that’s not what the people were there for. Not at all.

I only created the post with the intention to pay homage to one of my favorite artists. I grew to feel really disappointed about this whole post, I ended up limiting the comments, quietly resenting how the engagement I was receiving didn’t translate to the other posts that took so much more effort, that represented me as an individual, a creator. The whole point of this new page was to cultivate an organic following, a community of deep feelers and music lovers. This was not that. My vision kinda collapse before I got a chance to fully flesh it out.

So, I kinda went away again. Not necessarily intentionally, I just was no longer actively creating. I came to terms with my distance from my passion for music, sharing my most vulnerable blog post to date. I changed my blog to softlymelancholic.com social media handles to @softlymelancholic and pivoted AGAIN. Hoping this would be the last time. This name change was to signify Cheyenne, the deep-feeling person behind all the pages, all the music commentary and the long captions. I wanted to present more of myself as just a person more than a persona.

The aesthetics changed, but I continued posting as usual, hiding behind the music commentary, sharing a total of four posts before things fell flat again. I mean, how could they not? I didn’t follow my heart. My handle and intentions, but I fell right back into that uncomfortably comfortable place.

That lands us in April 2025, right now. In this moment, I have no motivation to post on Instagram unless it’s to promote my blog posts and YouTube videos. I honestly feel fully ready to let Instagram go. Sounds drastic, but honestly, it feels like a losing battle. If I sound dramatic, then you just don’t get it.

I sometimes wish I could go back to the girl who created @he.drives.me.wild, the Michael Jackson fan page, who posted excessively and had zero fear of judgment or worries about who liked what. Who so proudly loved Michael Jackson and shouted from the rooftops how much he meant to her. To be fair, that was an entirely different era of social media.

I don’t think I even knew shame back then, but I was also a kid, and could’ve probably benefitted from some restraint and critical thinking. We don’t even have to go back that far though. 20 year old me who created @bopsnblackness was just as free. I didn’t care if a song I posted got 5 likes that included one from my own personal Instagram page. My excitement lied in the fact that I posted and shared a song that I really love and that other people, even if it was 1 or 2, got to hear it too.

I don’t know what happened to that girl. I don’t know when external validation became enough to make or break me. Screaming into the void when the intention is to reach people is dehumanizing. It gets really old. Platforms like IG with the algorithmic Olympics and consistency games don’t help either.

What I’ve found the hardest to swallow are the followers who watch, but don’t interact. That’s always been really tough for me. I don’t want fans, I want people behind me. Just to acknowledge my efforts. Maybe it sounds pathetic, but I’m not afraid to admit that yes, I want to be seen and recognized. I want someone to see what I post and say, “hey, that was really cool.” Not because I don’t believe it’s cool, but because I want someone to agree with me, to validate how I feel.

External validation is okay to desire. As much as our individualistic and capitalistic society tries to drill into us that it’s not. Community, even in digital spaces, matters deeply. I’m not about to sit here and shame myself for something natural.

So, back to our question: What does true authenticity look like? My answer is, I’m trying to figure it out, trying to test the waters and figure out what it might feel like. It’s terrifying to not know that authenticity means for me as someone who wants to show up as myself on social media. I want to be my brand; me, as my truest self.

I’ve been subconsciously hiding behind my favorite artists and their music, hoping that behind my commentary and vulnerable captions, to be seen, heard and understood. For someone to resonate with that I have to say. I’m not seeking fame, I’m seeking community. Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to cultivate that just yet. To be brutally honest, maybe I never will.

The place I want to get to is not caring if it happens or not, but to be so deeply fulfilled by the act of creating, expressing and sharing, that it doesn’t matter if anyone cares, or not. We’ve got a ways to go before we get there, but my goal is to make showing up as much apart of my life as it needs to be to get there.

I stand before you writing this as a someone who feels a little bit defeated, unsure if this path is truly for me, or if I’m striving for a career, a path that doesn’t want me as much as I want it. I guess we’ll find out in time, but in the meanwhile, I’m going to keep showing up the best I can.

I don’t know what’s next for me. TikTok feels like the safest platform at this point, but with the whole “ban” situation…I’m not sure. At this point, I don’t have much to lose.

I’m currently reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron after hearing Doechii speak so highly about it, so we’ll see what comes of it. In this present moment, I feel it really difficult to still claim the title artist, or writer, or any title associated with creativity. But since my desire to express myself is inherent, I’ll hold onto it with a gentle grasp.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. If it resonates, I’m sorry. Please know that you are not alone. I see you and you are safe here.

love,

cheyenne